Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Randomize
