Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Randomize
