apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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