Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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