I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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