needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
