Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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