I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Randomize
