i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
