when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
