Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
