put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
