My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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