remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
