Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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