I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
