do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
