we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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