We're facebook friends in real life
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
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