and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
try to milk me bitch
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