I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
operation harelip BJ is a go
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
did i walk over a car last night?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Randomize
