proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I didn't notice because vodka
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
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