she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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