dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
