saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
