i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize