You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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