For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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