it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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