I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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