I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
