mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
tonight lets celebrate not being married
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize