Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
