Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
