She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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