I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
