you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
