God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
