At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
