Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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