she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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