2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
