When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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