it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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