why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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