i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
