i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
