He disabled his match.com account in front of me
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Randomize
