Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
