I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
It's like God shit irony all over that family
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
