I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
