what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
