my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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