took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
