Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
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