she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
