he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
