Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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