Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
