I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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