my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
